An App for that

In the process of finding a new job, I've learned a lot about the job market and how it works. Think of it this way: if you were going to break into a bank, you'd probably learn everything you could about it-when it opens and closes, its resources, the size and type of vault, the security system and the fastest route from said bank to the Cayman Island, which is apparently the preferred destination of villains throughout the world.
That's been me. I've been trying to break into the workforce. I've researched, studied, examined...I've dangled from the ceiling dressed up like Tom Cruise, all the while a stream of groovy mod music playing in the background (binka binka binkbink, binka binka binkbink, doodle doo, doodle dee, doodoot).
And here's what I've learned to date about why there are evidently so many jobs, so much political push to get people back to work and yet so very many people out of work for several months (if they are lucky) and several years in most cases: People in charge of hiring are not that bright and the application process is ridiculous.
Here's an example: A friend had a recent discussion with a living, breathing HR manager. There was an issue over what qualified as "major coursework." His logic-ahem, hem-followed that, since this friend had yet to complete a thesis, having finished every other class in a Master's program, the "major coursework" could not be considered. Yes, anyone who has ever graduated from college knows that until you graduate, you've never taken any classes. I've taken a CPR course but the guy hasn't signed my certificate yet, ergo I'm not equipped to save a life. That's HR logic.
In another example, a job was open where there were a series of automated check boxes to determine qualifications. A hundred boxes, check 99 as "yes" and one as "no" and the program came back saying, "sorry, you're not qualified."
Navy Seal job application: Military background, yes. Super human fitness levels, yes. Proficiency with various weapons systems, yes. Master marksman, yes. Completed extensive skydiving and scuba training, yes. Stealth operations expert, yes. Highly trained, highly motivated patriot willing to die for his country, yes. Been to San Diego before, no. Sorry, you don't qualify.
But what do you expect when so many jobs have so-called resume filters that seek out keywords in resumes, automatically disqualifying those without enough key buzzwords? The average employer, a career counselor explained, will spend less than one minute reviewing your resume. OK, fair enough. A recent job I applied for had a counter where you could see the total number of people who had applied for that specific job. In this case, it was 341. That's 341 minutes to review resumes. That's just under six hours. That's one whole work day, an hour for lunch and an hour of being unproductive-coffee break, bathroom break, talk to a co-worker. So your HR manager doesn't have one day to spend finding a dozen applicants to interview? That's what a resume filter is for? And with most other jobs, the number of applicants is smaller. Combine that with the fact that 99% on a test equals a failing grade and no wonder so many applicants are still out of work.
Here in Sacramento, however, there is an even more troubling problem. The largest employer in Sacramento County is the State of California. The problem with the State isn't resume filters, it's the opposite. To apply for any State job, an applicant has to fill out a paper job application. A paper job application--as if you're going to apply for a job with the State, Miller's Outpost, Kay Bee's Toys and then hit the food court later. What is the point of a resume? Everything you could possibly want to know about an employee is on the resume-experience, education, training, awards, references. Worse still, the State keeps track of how you heard about the opening. I've never not checked the "Internet" box. Two other options are "Advertised in..." as if people still pay for classified ads. The worst one is the "jobline" notice. Jobline. Really? Let me see what jobs are open: chiiick, tick tick tick, chiiiick, tick tick tick tick, (that's the sound of a rotary dial phone, just FYI). Let me call the jobline before I grab some lunch at the soup kitchen. Hopefully this New Deal idea will take hold soon. I think it might be easier to send my resume in via carrier pigeon. I don't want to overwhelm the State with a technology overload.
Finally, there's the e-mail inquiries that make no sense. An e-mail I got once noted the job in question was in a city some distance from my current home. Would you be willing to relocate, the HR woman wanted to know. No. I applied for a job in Los Angeles because I wanted to make more work for you. Ha ha, my plan worked. How about let me worry about it. Sir, we'd like you to play for the Philadelphia Eagles...hmm, but it says here you're located in California...
And that's how my career in the NFL ended.
Now then, I'm off to the City. I understand they're building a span across the Golden Gate. Hopefully my ox cart can get me there in time to fill one of the openings.